I came across an online article that I was stunned by. I wrote some of the wording down to do a blog about it one day. It was about and called "Rebuilding your life after a divorce." The author was telling people "you should start leading the life of a single person immediately! ..... You should force yourself to make a date at least once a week..... even if it's only dinner with someone you work with, .... Basically, you should just out and out not concern yourself with the "yes or no" possibilities of a sexual encounter." and finally ended with, "Just remember, time and people will cure all your ills, and you will be happy again."
Wow!
I tried to find to out who wrote it because I can't think of a better way to continue and even expand upon negative behaviour patterns than by never doing your awareness, accountability, healing and growth work after a relationship ends. Doing none of one’s personal work and immediately rushing out to find someone new to date or have sex with, in my opinion, will almost certainly result in (or inflict upon!) more problems in the next relationship(s) by this person.
I feel bad for anyone who believes this b.s. and jumps into bed with a work mate or anyone else right away as a way of ‘rebuilding’ life after a divorce’! I couldn’t find the author’s name. All I know is that it was a free ebook on a site that supposedly offers quality books. This ebook was an example of all the not-so-reputable information on the internet.
If you really think over what the author was saying, it just doesn’t make sense on so many levels. Aside from it being a suggestion to exercise “masking” rather than “dealing” with the reality of a lost or ended relationship, the idea of growing from a failed marriage or long-term relationship is totally ignored. Advising people to basically go through the motions of being a single person instead of doing their growth work sounds not just unprofessional, it actually sounds like something teenagers would suggest to their friends, or think to do themselves, but certainly not what I would expect from someone who is qualified to articles about relationships.
Going out with friends and/or meeting new people ‘while’ doing our past relationship work is one thing, but to say that “time and people will cure all your ills” is just ridiculous! Time does not just heal all wounds or ills. If it did, we sure as heck wouldn’t have such a huge assortment of psychiatrists, psychologists, anxiety or depression medications, and even relationship coaches like me. Imagine how different life would be if we really just had to go out on a date and have sex with a stranger to get over the pain and devastation of your whole life falling apart on you. But, they didn’t say you would heal by doing it. They simply suggested that as the way to rebuild your life after a divorce. Hmmm…
Sharon Shenker, ece, fle, ba, mbti, cvbc
Family Relationships and/or Divorce Coach
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
Author, My Family Has Two Houses
Adviser, www.morethanmedication.ca
www.divorcesupportplus.ca
www.lovingtherightways.com
514-804-3585
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Ban of Divorce or Add Stipulations?
Imagine a new law banning divorce? How many divorced couples do you know that would be affected by such a ban? Is it really possible to force people to stay together? Well, it just might be law in the future, in California anyways.
An article recently posted in the Los Angeles Times says that, "California Secretary of State Debra Bowen... authorized the backer of an initiative that would ban divorce to begin getting signatures to put the proposed constitutional amendment before voters."
Wow! I have believed for many years that the majority of divorced did not actually have to take place IF ONLY the couple had received appropriate help in enriching their relationship.
Most of the couples that I have worked with, over the past ten years, have been arguing about the same issues and hurts for years - but, if we as a society became more proactive and preventive, rather than interventionists who wait for problems to become extreme or extremely damaging, my belief is that at least 75% of marriages would be dramatically improved and thereby saved.
When couples who have been together for forty plus years are asked how they have managed that almost miraculous feat according to today's divorce statistics, not a single one of them, to my knowledge, has ever said that they never had an argument or fight. In fact, most admit (or try to teach!) that they not only experienced problems and disagreements, but had bad years.
So, would a ban on divorces with an added clause that says, 'WITHOUT spending a minimum of four to six months working with a relationship coach' prevent divorces? You bet! But, just putting a ban on divorces without that clarification or stipulation does not make any sense to me as the solution to the problem. Because the problem is not just that one partner no longer feels in love with the other and wants a divorce - 'why' the relationship is so unfulfilling and unhappy is what needs to be dealt with and changed to a desire by both partners to want to stay together - differently, happily, cohesively, respectfully, and maturely IF THEY HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER!
That's my opinion. Please feel free to comment on mine and/or post your own view.
An article recently posted in the Los Angeles Times says that, "California Secretary of State Debra Bowen... authorized the backer of an initiative that would ban divorce to begin getting signatures to put the proposed constitutional amendment before voters."
Wow! I have believed for many years that the majority of divorced did not actually have to take place IF ONLY the couple had received appropriate help in enriching their relationship.
Most of the couples that I have worked with, over the past ten years, have been arguing about the same issues and hurts for years - but, if we as a society became more proactive and preventive, rather than interventionists who wait for problems to become extreme or extremely damaging, my belief is that at least 75% of marriages would be dramatically improved and thereby saved.
When couples who have been together for forty plus years are asked how they have managed that almost miraculous feat according to today's divorce statistics, not a single one of them, to my knowledge, has ever said that they never had an argument or fight. In fact, most admit (or try to teach!) that they not only experienced problems and disagreements, but had bad years.
So, would a ban on divorces with an added clause that says, 'WITHOUT spending a minimum of four to six months working with a relationship coach' prevent divorces? You bet! But, just putting a ban on divorces without that clarification or stipulation does not make any sense to me as the solution to the problem. Because the problem is not just that one partner no longer feels in love with the other and wants a divorce - 'why' the relationship is so unfulfilling and unhappy is what needs to be dealt with and changed to a desire by both partners to want to stay together - differently, happily, cohesively, respectfully, and maturely IF THEY HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER!
That's my opinion. Please feel free to comment on mine and/or post your own view.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Divorce is so hard on kids!
If you have children and split up from their father, for whatever reason, he is NOT going to be out of your life you might be thinking, "good riddance to him/her" but he's never going to actually be out of your life unless he dies or becomes a real dead-beat dad. Both of which would be awful for your children to have to live with.
Another thing that is awful for your children, is you hanging on to that feeling of hating having to see or speak to him. Every time you feel or think one of those, your kids feel it! They are so much more aware of feelings than most parents of divorce give them credit for. You know, the times when you talk about him on the telephone to your best friend when your kids are in another room and when he picks up your son/daughter and you give him that look of hatred, your children pick up on both!
Getting a divorce with children is probably one of the toughest decisions or experiences you will ever go through because of the kids. And yet, so many parents who work with me assume that the kids are fine. How can that be? Really, any parent who comes to more help in coping with, maneuvering through or getting over a divorce - - how can they assume that they need help but their kids are just fine?!? I'm so often baffled by this logic or lack of it.
The majority of children of divorce that I have worked with, in the past twenty or more years now, are not doing so well when I first meet them. So many of them were never even told the parents were splitting up in advance. One day, one of their parents was moving out... period. Others were told by one parent and all the blame was put on the other. Some kids just woke up and mommy or daddy was gone; no one warned them. There are so many variations and stories of how the children found out, but all in all, you're still left with thousands upon thousands of kids living through their parents' separation and divorce.
Parents sometimes tell me they're concerned for their child. S/he really doesn't like going to see the other parent cause s/he isn't a good parent; s/he doesn't spend enough time with them, just takes them to McDonalds and buys them expensive toys instead of paying me my child support and alimentary pension, etc. etc. Here's the usual - I say something like, "why don't you bring him/her in to talk with me so we can see how s/he is doing and help them with whatever help they need?" Suddenly, eight times out of ten, that very child is doing fine and doesn't need to come in.
So, here's what I did. I put together a workbook for the school-aged children of divorce to fill out on their own or with one of their parents so everyone can find out just how well s/he really is. You no longer need to hope in secret that s/he will survive or cope with your divorce because, for whatever reason, you don't want to get an outsider involved.
Just imagine how your child's life might change, right now, if you knew you could easily learn how to have those serious conversations with your child to help them thrive despite your divorce...
Please, go now to http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca and download my FREE 50+ page workbook for school-aged children of divorce. It's so simple. Download it. Print the pages you want your child to fill out or do the same sort of exercise with them on a blank sheet of paper if you want to save on your ink. Just see to it that your child is okay... and if not, get them the preventive help they need now instead of leaving them to suffer for years and then be told they need serious intervention later.
It's your choice if your child does well with your divorce. Get the help you need and give the help s/he needs, and I'm a simple email or phone call away, and please consider that I am a simple phone call or email away, wishing the very best for you and your whole family in this time of transition. Family reconstruction is not easy, but we can prevent it from being family destruction!
Another thing that is awful for your children, is you hanging on to that feeling of hating having to see or speak to him. Every time you feel or think one of those, your kids feel it! They are so much more aware of feelings than most parents of divorce give them credit for. You know, the times when you talk about him on the telephone to your best friend when your kids are in another room and when he picks up your son/daughter and you give him that look of hatred, your children pick up on both!
Getting a divorce with children is probably one of the toughest decisions or experiences you will ever go through because of the kids. And yet, so many parents who work with me assume that the kids are fine. How can that be? Really, any parent who comes to more help in coping with, maneuvering through or getting over a divorce - - how can they assume that they need help but their kids are just fine?!? I'm so often baffled by this logic or lack of it.
The majority of children of divorce that I have worked with, in the past twenty or more years now, are not doing so well when I first meet them. So many of them were never even told the parents were splitting up in advance. One day, one of their parents was moving out... period. Others were told by one parent and all the blame was put on the other. Some kids just woke up and mommy or daddy was gone; no one warned them. There are so many variations and stories of how the children found out, but all in all, you're still left with thousands upon thousands of kids living through their parents' separation and divorce.
Parents sometimes tell me they're concerned for their child. S/he really doesn't like going to see the other parent cause s/he isn't a good parent; s/he doesn't spend enough time with them, just takes them to McDonalds and buys them expensive toys instead of paying me my child support and alimentary pension, etc. etc. Here's the usual - I say something like, "why don't you bring him/her in to talk with me so we can see how s/he is doing and help them with whatever help they need?" Suddenly, eight times out of ten, that very child is doing fine and doesn't need to come in.
So, here's what I did. I put together a workbook for the school-aged children of divorce to fill out on their own or with one of their parents so everyone can find out just how well s/he really is. You no longer need to hope in secret that s/he will survive or cope with your divorce because, for whatever reason, you don't want to get an outsider involved.
Just imagine how your child's life might change, right now, if you knew you could easily learn how to have those serious conversations with your child to help them thrive despite your divorce...
Please, go now to http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca and download my FREE 50+ page workbook for school-aged children of divorce. It's so simple. Download it. Print the pages you want your child to fill out or do the same sort of exercise with them on a blank sheet of paper if you want to save on your ink. Just see to it that your child is okay... and if not, get them the preventive help they need now instead of leaving them to suffer for years and then be told they need serious intervention later.
It's your choice if your child does well with your divorce. Get the help you need and give the help s/he needs, and I'm a simple email or phone call away, and please consider that I am a simple phone call or email away, wishing the very best for you and your whole family in this time of transition. Family reconstruction is not easy, but we can prevent it from being family destruction!
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